I think a lot of it started when I was toying with the idea
of living in Seoul sometime in the future, primarily because I had recently had
a great night out to places I had never even been to in Seoul. I thought, “You know, there are probably so
many amazing clubs, restaurants, and other nooks and crannies that I will never
even know about in Seoul.” Then, I
realized, I’m starting to get too old for partying and clubbing. I would say I stopped partying real hard
around the time I was 24, but even just partying on Friday and/or Saturday can
take it out of me for two or three days at a time.
Then I had a realization that I’m losing touch with youth
culture via today’s newest slang. I saw
the slang phrase “Turn down for what?!” and had to look it up (it means essentially,
“Why should I take it easy? I’m partying
hard and having a good time!!!”). “Am I
starting to become…UNCOOL?!?!” I thought.
These more superficial thoughts then turned into a different
subject: my 20s.
I would say that, as a whole, my 20s have been
incredible. I had four amazing years at
university, and also taught English for a year in China, a year in Chile, and
two years in Korea. By the end of this year, I will have traveled to 19 different countries (having lived in 4 of them). I’ve met many wonderful people from around
the world. I’ve also grown emotionally
and mentally, though I would say that I still have a lot of growing to do.
In my mid-twenties I had to allow myself some time to find
direction, as well as have a serious relationship, in order to realize what I
want (to travel, to teach English abroad) and don’t want (serious
relationships, to be static, to get settled down). I’d say that time was probably the point in
my life when I had the most emotional and psychological growth, not to mention
the fastest.
One of my biggest fears is growing older and regretting my
life, or at least parts of my life. I’ve
been reading (sometimes plodding through), off and on, a philosophical work
called “Either/Or” by Soren Kierkegaard.
It’s often regarded as one of the most important and influential
philosophical works of all time, especially considering that Soren Kierkegaard
is often regarded as the godfather of existentialism. The basic premise of “Either/Or” is that one can
either choose to live an “aesthetic” life (governed by the desire to fulfill
sensual desires…not just food, drink, and sex but also including a deep appreciation for art, etc.) or an
“ethical” life (governed by moral duty, such as getting married and having
children). The basic implication is that
in choosing one or the other, one will regret not having lived the other
life. So far, there hasn’t been a
synthesis of the two that has been offered to the reader, and I think there
might not be.
While many of my friends are getting married and even
starting to have children, this has not affected my non-desire to get married or
have children. A non-desire that I've had since I was about 17 or 18 years old. I will admit there is an
undercurrent of implicit social pressure, however, the flow of which I can feel
about as much as tiny fish nibbling at my toe.
Today, I read an article written by an acquaintance of
mine. In the article, she interviewed
seven different travelers. I think
almost every person she interviewed had gone to university, graduated, gotten a
good-paying job they hated, and then quit their job to travel. Some of those people ended up starting their
own businesses abroad, while some of them are just working at hostels or
bars. Nevertheless, all of them were
happy.
I know myself well enough that I know I wouldn’t be happy
married, having children, or perhaps even working in the United States for an
extended period of time. Who knows? Maybe some day in the future those things will appeal to me, but I see them being the last things on my mind for the foreseeable future.
I’m happy for my friends who are happy living that
life. I THINK I can understand what they
value in that life, but I just know it’s not for me.
I’m in the process of convincing myself that going to
graduate school is a wise decision in the long run, but I also feel like I’ll
missing out on time for adventure and exploration. Being 30 when I start graduate school, I will
hypothetically not be finishing until I’m 33 (if you also include some time for
receiving a teaching certification).
That is three years of adventure and exploration that I will be missing
out on, not to mention debt that I’ll be accruing.
My intuition hasn’t done me wrong in making big life
decisions yet, but I feel like I will have to adjust the frequency just a bit
to be able to make the next big life decision or two.
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